It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
