Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
