Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
