I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
