A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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