i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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