I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My liver just had a heart attack.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
