Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
