just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
