Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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