My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
