Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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