Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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