I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
