maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
