you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
