foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
