i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
