While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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