It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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