Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
