i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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