Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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