I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
