I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
