But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
