i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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