Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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