he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
