I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
