Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
