My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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