Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
