did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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