I wish I could punch you in the face.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You made out with two different species that night
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
