so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
