at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
