Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
