The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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