A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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