I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
