Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
