i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
