Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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