Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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