If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
