we're chasing vodka with high fives
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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