John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
