Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
