JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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