A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
